Raising an Optimistic Child: A Proven Plan for Depresion-Proofing Young Children--for Life
(McGraw-Hill, 2006) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

Creating Optimism:
A Proven Seven-Step Program for Overcoming Depression
(McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

By Alicia Fortinberry, MS

8 April 2004

Bob, our colleague and I have recently completed a 30-city book tour across the US, which started in Los Angeles and San Francisco and moved through the West by way of urban hubs including Phoenix, Tuscon, Denver, Chicago, Columbus, Cincinatti, Cleveland, Philadelphia and New York, before continuing on through Maryland, Georgia, Florida and smaller stops in between.

The media have been very receptive and even laudatory, including appearances on ABC and NBC news shows. But perhaps the most moving experiences have been talking to people we meet on the way, be it in bookstores, at TV stations, in hotel lobbies or at airports. We are often tired, sometimes exhilarated, and always buoyed up by our joint purpose: to share what we've discovered with others so that they may make truly informed choices in their lives and take their own journey toward healing.

When we mention that the book is about overcoming depression, everyone can relate. They have it, or have had. Their mother, child, cousin or brother-in-law has some form of it. Time after time, they go out of their way to give directions, help us carry bags, or make sure we have what we need.

It's as if we were traveling in Europe during the Black Death, and signs of the pandemic--in this case an emotional one--are overwhelming. No one is untouched, and superstitions abound, such as that a pill will cure you, and that your circumstances have nothing to do with the illness, which is instead due to some chemical anomaly that is mysteriously doubling every 20 years.

When we talk to people about the social causes of depression--isolation, disempowerment, the stresses surrounding both work and unemployment, separation from nature and our own genetic heritage--they agree instantly. We expected some skepticism or even rebuttal, but to the people in bookstores, TV studios and auditoriums we address, we are simply confirming what they already suspected. "That feels right," they say, and give examples from their own lives.

Their stories form a series of depression snapshots from around the country, a sort of emotional State of the Nation. Here's a sampling:

• Student coping with criticism
• A young teen in pain
• Successful but feels a failure
• Hidden Control?
• A healing sense of purpose
• Burdened by parental fighting
• Finally leaving home emotionally
• Anxious about new venture

Student coping with criticism

A nursing student with a warm, open face tells us that she is a native Hawaiian and has had trouble adjusting to a culture that seems cold and distant. Some of her fellow students are friendly, but the instructors and physicians tend to be brusque or even sharp, impatient and critical. We suggest she memorize the phrase, "That's not an appropriate way to speak to me" and use it any time she's criticized. Our reward: a warm hug before she leaves.

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A young teen in pain

A 14-year-old girl, who has stood a distance away during our talk, comes up to me and confides she's been diagnosed with clinical depression. Her parents are divorced and both work late hours and are very busy. They say they want to help, but she doesn't want to burden them with her problems. Although she is pretty, she says she doesn't have many friends; she doesn't feel like going out much. I listen quietly and then tell her that she shouldn't worry about her parents, but should let them know what she needs. I suggest that she ask that one of them spend at least an hour with her every day. When she agrees and asks me to sign a book for her I feel, even more than usual, honored.

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Successful but feels a failure

A well-dressed and attractive man in his 30s, tells us his long-term depression has not been helped by antidepressants. He has a successful business but works from home because at times he can't force himself to socialize. No matter what he achieves, he feels a failure. After a few questions it's obvious that the internalized negative voice is that of his father, the CEO of a large company. We point out that all the negative comments that voice makes are lies--and encourage him to identify them as such and go against them. We also suggest that he gradually spend more time in face-to-face meetings, since those often counter depression.

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Hidden Control?

A charming young couple arrived a half-hour early for our talk and afterwards spoke to us about the problems in their marriage. She had been depressed since their marriage, although she was normally cheerful and energetic. She said that he never said what he wanted, and she had to make all the decisions, which weighed on her. Bob explained how not giving an opinion could be a form of unconscious control, since her husband could always criticize her decisions. She agreed that was how it felt. Her husband waws eager to put their relaitonship on a more productive footing. Bob suggested that they identify separate areas of responsibility and each make the decisions pertaining to that area, and directed them to the section on roles in Creating Optimism.

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A healing sense of purpose

In the front row of one of our talks sat a very elegant African-American woman who made eye contact and nodded at many of our points. Afterwards she told us that she was recovering from a bout of depression so serious she had had to quit her job and had been unable to even get out of bed for weeks afterwards. Politically active for much of her life, she had forced herself to arise, get dressed and vote in the primaries, an act that took enormous effort. Afterwards she felt better about herself and had a bit more energy, which had enabled her to come listen to us. We were impressed by her strength in the face of her illness and also struck by the power of a sense of purpose, which we wrote about in the book and had just seen so movingly demonstrated.

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Burdened by parental fighting

At another talk we noticed a Hispanic-loking man, woman and young girl (about ten or eleven) who were seated together because their expressions were identical-miserable and angry, even the daughter. I was surprised when the trio came up afterwards, bought a book and, at my encouragement, spoke briefly about themselves. "They have just arrived in this country and it has been a difficult adjustment," said the man. "No, that is not the problem, it's that you all the time blame me," returned the woman. "What do you mean 'blame you,' you never listen to a word I say," said the man heatedly.

Realizing there was little I could do for the couple outside a session, I looked at the daughter, who was lowering her head into her coat and scowling ferociously. "What is it you want?" I asked. To my surprise, a shy smile lit the girl's features. "I just want them to be happy," she said softly.

"That's probably not possible just now, and that's not your fault," I said. "But what about you? Do you feel you sometimes get lost in your parents' problems?"

A tentative nod.

"How about if your parents agreed to listen to you and not argue for at least ten minutes a day? How would that feel?"

"Good."

"Well, how about it?" I asked the couple. "It's important that you do that. Would you agree right now to listen to her and focus on her concerns for ten minutes a day?"

The adults agreed. The girl beamed.

It had been a long day for the three of us, with many talks and the bustle and noise of the expo. But if for nothing else than that moment, the whole day felt worth it.

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Finally leaving home emotionally

A young woman who recently moved to Ohio from Seattle, told me she's caught up in an ugly battle with her family back home over the inappropriate behavior of a family friend, and her depression is getting worse with the stress. "It's good you're standing up for yourself, but maybe it's time to grow up and leave home emotionally," I suggested. "Don't answer their calls or read their threatening letters."

"But I'm still tied financially to my father, who I used to work for in Seattle," the young woman confided.

"And whose voice says an attractive and intelligent woman such as yourself can't find a good job away from daddy?"

"My father!" she exclaimed. "That's what I needed to hear. You just sold a book!"

"Lucky I said the right thing, then," I laughed, and signed the book.

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Anxious about new venture

One woman in her mid-50s came to see us along with her husband, because she had a chronic illness and had come across recent research tying the condition to depression. She had just started a new business and was waking up at night in panic, and she was afraid the emotional intensity would re-trigger her condition, which was in remission. Bob suggested that starting the new business might be triggering some traumatic event around change in her childhood, and suggested that she talk about these fears to her husband and friends. He also suggested that she work out ways in which her friends could help her both practically and emotionally during this pivotal time.

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