Raising an Optimistic Child: A Proven Plan for Depresion-Proofing Young Children--for Life
(McGraw-Hill, 2006) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

Creating Optimism:
A Proven Seven-Step Program for Overcoming Depression
(McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

By Alicia Fortinberry, MS

It's been a long day, and both of you are tired and still mentally half in the office. You've gotten home first, picked up the child from daycare, and bought the groceries. He comes in at about 7:00. You meet him at the door and the pent-up words tumble out as you start telling him about your day: the critical boss (he said, you said), your meeting with your child's teacher (she said, you felt), your workout at the gym (you felt, you felt) etc. He walks over to the tv, sits down and flips on the news. Much to his surprise, you leave the room and slam the door.

"My husband/lover/best friend/child doesn't listen to me!" is one of the most heartfelt and frequent relationship complaints. Often accompanied by "They don't understand me" and "They don't know how I really feel."

Although there is always a solution, the listening dilemma is a particularly difficult one for many reasons. First, the other person, usually male, says, "Of course I'm listening! I can watch tv and listen at the same time."

The first approach (after you've glued back your hair you just tore out) is simple; define "listening." You might say, "I need you to look me in the eyes while I speak and not watch tv or pick up the newspaper." This begins to cut down his escape options. Further embellishments might include, "I need you to ask appropriate questions or make comments that show you've been listening and not to speak over me."

If you can get agreement so far, you're doing better than the average household in a developed country. However, you may find you run into snags. Here are some of the non-listener's complaints and genuine issues you may run into and how to get around them.

"I just need to turn off and relax when I come home. What I don't need is another demand, like having to listen to your problems."

Here the problem is one of male/female roles — and same-gender couples are just as likely to take on these roles as heterosexual ones, probably as learned from one or the other parent. The male is genetically primed to hunt in silence, to be very focussed on the goal, and then to relax totally once the game is bagged. The female is geared towards gathering and childrearing, which require a diffuse and emotionally-based concentration. She thinks in stories, in feelings, often she needs to speak to know what she feels and she certainly needs to process all the days events and emotions verbally before she can relax.

One way around this is to agree that he can have some time first, before any such "demands" are made on him. You may even need to agree on an amount of time for you to be listened to. You may also need some ground rules. Men, as most of us know by now, are "fixers." Why, they wonder, would you talk to them if you didn't want a problem solved? And most are afraid the problem involves them. After all, he did not get where he did at work if, when the boss called him in to discuss a problem, he responded, "I know you must be sad and frustrated about the revenue loss in my department. Talk to me about your feelings." (Of course, you didn't get where you got at work by doing that either, but women are more neurologically flexible, it seems, able to react very differently to different situations.)

One couple I saw as clients got around the "fixit" problem by having her preface her day's account with "You don't need to fix this," except when she really did want some problem-solving advice. They also set aside time every week to go over relationship issues. This allowed the man the safety to feel he wasn't always about to be told all his failures in the relationships — such as the failure to listen!

Most books that deal with male/female issues talk about how communications is the problem and how good communicating can resolve the issues. But the differences really do go deeper than linguistics. And you can't simply talk yourself out of them. Men are not from Mars; you are not from Venus. You both got your genetic make-up on earth over 2 million years ago, and you haven't had time, in geological terms, to evolve to a different prototype. Our hunter-gatherer forbears lived in bands of 15 to 50 people, and the primary relationships were same-gender. The women gathered and gossiped together and the men hunted and then spent days talking about their prowess during the hunt. When men and women did get together, they could enjoy each other's differences and not expect them to meet all their needs.

Obviously, part of the solution is for women to spend a lot of time with women, and men with men. One male client of mine once moaned, "My wife came home from the doctors last night and when I asked how it went she started with how she felt about the receptionist and wound up, 30 minutes later, recounting the story about the doctor's youngest boy. Finally, she got around to telling me that the diagnostic tests showed there was no problem. I didn't know whether to jump for joy or strangle her!" Imagine if his wife had had many other women around to share her insights and feelings about the day with before she saw her husband. "How did it go?" he'd ask. Verbally exhausted and content, she'd answer "The tests showed I'm fine."

Now, however, in many cases the couple has to depend mostly on each other to meet many of the needs same-gender buddies in the hunter-gatherer band would have met. Since it takes a hundred thousand years to evolve genetically, in the meantime we must adapt. The man has got to learn to listen to the woman's emotions. And she's got to be sensitive to his limits and give the guy an break when he finally cries, "Time out! I need to dissolve into the evening news!"

But often the problems goes deeper even than gender issues. Andrea likes Pamella, whose gestures and stories are dramatic, and often larger than life. Pamella is irreverent and great fun. The only hiccup is that Pamella tends to dominate the conversation, which usually focuses on what Pamella thinks, feels, does and wears. Andrea, who is a thoughtful and somewhat shy person, told me. "I don't think I can take any more! Pamella shows no interest in me." I suggested that she give Pamella her listening needs, as she had successfully done for her partner.

At first, she protested. "In a relationship you're expected to talk about stuff like that. But not over a bi-weekly lunch with a friend! Besides, I have some pride!" she said. "If she isn't interested in me, far be it from me to force her."

After much prodding on my part, though, Andrea did talk to Pamella. "I sometimes feel I don't get a chance to say much during our meetings," she told her friend. "Maybe it's because I'm so quiet you think I don't have much to say. But I need you to ask me questions anbout my day and encourage me to tell you things."

Pamella surprised Andrea by becoming thoughtful. "You know, I've often wondered if I talked too much, and how others were really feeling. But people either left or, if they stayed, I assumed they liked it." It turned out that in Pamella's family she was expected to be the "performer" who took the stage to turn their parents' attention away from their anger and frustration with each other and stop the fights. She soon discovered that it was a relief not to have to be the entertainer.

Sometimes people don't give us the chance to listen. "I speak easily about myself, and I'm always telling my friends what's going on with me," says Charlotte. "But my best friend Amy won't tell me what her problems are. We always focus on me, and I'm beginning to feel like the needy child who always has something wrong. Plus, I would like to be able to support Amy, and I never get the chance to."

Here again, my advice was for Charlotte to talk to Amy, not only about how she felt, but exactly what Amy needed to do to resolve the situation. At first it was very difficult for both women, since Amy had always chosen friends that didn't ask her about herself. Her fear, as she later confessed to Charlotte, was that someone would force her to betray the family "secret," which was that her mother was an alcoholic. But once Charlotte started talking about her childhood she found it was a great relief — and soon she was sharing happily about her feelings during the day. Now the relationship is on an even footing, and both women derive support and comfort from it.

Not listening, and not sharing personal information, are both ways of controlling the other person, of keeping them at a distance. The need may be subconscious, but it prevents good, close relationships. The solution is to share both your feelings and your needs. Remember, your needs must be clear, doable (by a person in that position to you) and appropriate (to the relationship).

Will giving your needs be sometimes awkward? Yes, of course. Is there any other way to make sure you are listened to, supported and respected in your relationships? No.

Did you hear that? Are you listening?

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• Article: Recreating the Healing Tribe
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• Self Help Tips: 3 Essentials for Building Successful Relationships
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About the Author

Alicia Fortinberry is an award-winning health writer, and expert on emotional health and optimal relationships. Together with her husband and long-term collaborator Dr Bob Murray, she is founder of the highly successful Uplift Program, and author of Raising an Optimistic Child (McGraw-Hill, 2006) and Creating Optimism (McGraw-Hill, 2004).