Raising an Optimistic Child: A Proven Plan for Depresion-Proofing Young Children--for Life
(McGraw-Hill, 2006) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

Creating Optimism:
A Proven Seven-Step Program for Overcoming Depression
(McGraw-Hill, 2004) by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry

By Alicia Fortinberry, MS

Mark and Liz, who both have jobs in the travel industry, pretty much sailed through the first two years of their marriage. Lately, though, the going's been tough. "Recently Mark's been acting really weird," says Liz. "He's working later at the office, and when he gets home he heads straight for CNN and becomes a tv zombie. He's irritable and broody and wants to be alone. On the one social occasion we've had recently, Mark blew up at his best friend who had said something negative about George Bush, and then stormed out of the restaurant. It's like I hardly know who he is any more."

Mark admits Liz is getting on his nerves, too. "She's always at me, asking,'what's going to happen to us, will we keep our jobs, will be able to make the mortgage.' Meanwhile, she's bought all this useless stuff in the last few weeks. Is she trying to make sure we can't pay the mortgage?"

Mark and Liz experienced emotional and financial fallout from September 11 and the recession. Also, they were both born in Manhattan and only moved to Florida a few years ago. Both are feeling traumatized and vulnerable, and the strain was showing up in their relationship. They are not alone in this; people around the country and around the world are in aftershock. The question is; will their marriage become a casualty of hard times, or a source of renewed strength and determination?

In times of crisis, the first thing to do is understand what's going on, both with you and the people close to you. Trauma can have many causes — most obviously violence, but also loss of loved ones or job or any event that causes significant uncertainty about the future.

Recent advances in psychology have broadened our ideas about trauma. We now know that trauma can be caused by simply watching a horrendous incident on tv (like the rebroadcast, over and over again, of the airliner exploding into the World Trade Center).

We can see the result of trauma in Mark's desire to be alone, his irritability and in his fixation on the news, as if knowing what was going on would make him feel more in control and thus safer. Also his need for his country's leader to be beyond reproach is a regression to the child's need for an omnipotent parent. Although unable to express his own fears, he feels even more vulnerable, and hence angry, when Liz asks him questions he can't answer. This is a very typical male-female reaction: she asks outright for reassurance, he feels a failure for not knowing the answers.

Liz, like many women, copes with uncertainty by wanting even more discussion and closeness with her partner. She is frightened by outward signs of conflict (many women see their role as peacemakers and fear anger). Her own, subconscious, way of coping with her fear of financial uncertainty is to prove to herself all is well by spending even more than she usually would.

So what are the signs of trauma that you should look for in yourself or others? Some of the most obvious symptoms are: Difficulty in concentrating; changes in appetite or sleep patterns; erratic behavior; lack of enthusiasm for activities previously considered fun; irritability, lethargy, and the desire to stay away from people. These symptoms usually only last a month or so. However, if someone has suffered previous traumas, particularly in childhood, the reaction can be more severe and long-lasting.

For example, if there was a lot of fighting in your family, the violence and confusion of September 11 can retrigger the earlier feelings and experiences. In some cases, this can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Generally speaking PTSD is identified by the following three symptoms:

• re-experiencing traumatic events (i.e., obsessive recollections, flashbacks, nightmares)
• avoidant symptoms (fear of being with people)
• signs of hyperarousal (easily startled, irritable).

PTSD usually sets in up to several months after the most recent trauma, and can last years or even a lifetime. It's important to get help from a qualified mental health practitioner.

Even for PTSD, but certainly for the trauma most of us are likely to feel, a little help from our friends can go a long way. Here's how you can extend a hand, or ask someone to support you most effectively. A traumatized person needs to talk about their feelings and experiences, even if they are reluctant to do so, so encourage them. Show that you are really interested in them by asking specific questions. If you have the female role in your relationship, you might preface your questions with reassurances that you don't expect your partner to fix the situation, you just want to know how they feel.

When I'm feeling worried or distracted, I can count on my husband and colleague, Bob, to keep asking, 'what are you feeling?' This encourages me to be more aware of my own feelings, and it also reminds me of how loved I am.

As much as possible, encourage the other person to be with you and others he or she feels safe with. If you have communicated previously about what each of you needs to do to help each other feel safe and emotionally secure, you already have a good basis for such support. If you haven't, now is the time to start.

You will probably feel less like taking emotional risks to build friendships during rough times, but these are the situations in which it is most important. And the more you avoid people, the harder it will be to reverse the tendency.

Shared routines are always helpful, but in tough times they are essential. If you've ever watched documentaries or movies about people in desperate situations such as prisoner-of-war camps, you'll notice that the ones who survived were quick to set up routines. Domestic routines can include family meals, evenings out, and relaxed chats before dinner or after the kids are in bed. Gentle rough-housing can strengthen a relationship if it's fun for both: Bob and I have tickling routines morning and night, complete with rules about "truce" and dire threats punctuated by peals of laughter. Social routines at work are also important.

Some of the best routines involve exercise, preferably in company. Bob and I always take a long walk at lunchtime, and try to walk to nearby places to eat whenever possible. Recent studies have shown that exercise really does reduce stress and combat depression.

Finally, try not to second-guess what your lover, colleague, child or neighbor needs to get them through the hard times. Ask. You'll probably be surprised at how simple and seemingly small their requests are. And how much closer and better you'll both feel.

After a few sessions Liz and Mark are doing much better. Mark still gets to watch CNN, but they chat much more about their day and their feelings. It was hard at first for Mark to encourage Liz to voice her concerns and questions, but he finally realized he wasn't expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat and fix everything, and now it's a lot easier. He's found that spending more hours at work doesn't get that much more done, and he's usually home for dinner. At my suggestion, Liz spends more time window shopping, either with Mark or women friends, but actually buys very little. "I just like looking at the colors and feeling the textures," she says. "Mark and I worked out a financial worst-case scenario, and I'm feeling more secure."

On weekends, Liz and Mark go hiking with friends, and are sometimes surprised to realize what a good time they're having, in spite of terrorists who sought to frighten and cow them. Times may be tough, but they're winning.

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RELATED LINKS

• Article: PTSD and Childhood Trauma
• Article: Recreating the Healing Tribe
• Self Help Tips: Sweep Out Old Relationship Issues
• Self Help Tips: 3 Essentials for Building Successful Relationships
• Self Help Tips: 9 Rules for Living with a Depressed Person
• Self Help Program: Transform Your Life and Relationships CD Set

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About the Author

Alicia Fortinberry is an award-winning health writer, and expert on emotional health and optimal relationships. Together with her husband and long-term collaborator Dr Bob Murray, she is founder of the highly successful Uplift Program, and author of Raising an Optimistic Child (McGraw-Hill, 2006) and Creating Optimism (McGraw-Hill, 2004).