Anger: Why We Have It,
What to Do About It
By Alicia Fortinberry, MS
“Then he threw a cup at me, narrowly missing my head!” My client was a
smallish woman in her mid-forties called Leanne. She was detailing an incident
in a long history of storms in her 15 year marriage to a local physician, Mark.
“Everybody else thinks he is such a nice man.”
How is it that a person can be highly praised for being the pillar of the
community, warmly regarded by one and all and yet be an angry abuser at
home? I myself had a father like Leanne’s husband, though he wasn’t
quite as violent.
I know what its like to be confronted by the public face--“I
wish I had a father like yours”--and know the private one.
Rage and anger are usually directed at particular people or particular kinds of
people rather than the world at large. One client of mine loses it whenever
he confronts petty officialdom, another when she perceives someone to be
an authority figure. Sometimes the rage is reserved for people of a particular
race or creed, or even occupation. Most often the objects of the anger
are members of the rager’s household.
Why should this be? The reason lies
in unresolved problems in the family of origin. Mark’s “rageholism” stemmed
from the way that his father had treated his mother. Mark “learned” by
observation that this was the way that men treated women. Rage towards
his wife was Mark’s
father’s way of dealing with his own insecurity and lack of self-esteem.
Virtually all abuse has its origin in the feelings of a lack of self-worth
on the part of the abuser.
Mark himself was regularly beaten by his father
while his mother stood by and sometimes set her son up for the beatings: “He’s
been a bad boy,” she would say. Her husband would then take his belt off and lash her son
with the buckle end.
When Mark came to see my partner Bob he realized that
his anger was really directed more at his mother than at his father. His
mother should have been the one who protected him. In his marriage, Leanne was a surrogate
for his mother and thus bore the brunt of his anger.
We are genetically programmed to recreate our
childhood circumstances in our relationships. As Bob often says: “You
only marry, or have serious relationships with, your mother, your
father or both.” This is widely acknowledged, but the corollary
is still not well understood. We usually try to recreate the family
dynamic. Therefore, if you marry your mother you will probably take on the
role of your father and vice versa.
In Mark and Leanne’s marriage Mark was acting
like his father and venting his anger at Leanne, who stood in for his
mother. This association is entirely
subconscious and the effects of it may not become apparent until
years into the partnership. Then something triggers the learned reaction
--criticism, job loss perhaps, stock market failure or virtually any significant
stressor--and the rage and anger come out.
Mark of course felt guilty
and often promised never to get angry again and Leanne dutifully forgave him
every time. The guilt, however, only made things worse.
Mark was already riddled with guilt at being unable to protect his
mother from his father. The internalized anger at himself only
made his bouts of temper
worse and more difficult to control.
But why did Leanne put up with this behavior? Why didn’t she leave?
The answer lies in her childhood. She herself had an angry father. He never
hit her, so she told me, but his rages could be very frightening. After each
one he seemed to calm down and sometimes even gave her a present.
In a sense Leanne was as "specialized" at being the brunt of an angry
male as Mark was at being one. Living with anger was part of
being "at home," something
she had learned coping skills to deal with. In fact Leanne had
had a number of relationships before Mark and they had all been characterized
by anger.
Leanne only sought help after her physician, who had noticed increasing
signs of stress and depression, referred her to the Uplift Program.
Mark came along “for her sake” and out of professional interest.
What they learned surprised them both and made them willing to try to change, so
they came to Bob and me separately for private sessions.
But could this marriage--and the individuals caught in its dysfunctional grip--be healed?
Mark believed (as many physicians do) that the answer to what
he now saw as his problem with anger was antidepressants. He pointed
out, correctly, that recent research has suggested that SSRI antidepressants
(Prozac and the like) can be effective in dealing with a generalized propensity
to rage. However, Bob explained that Mark’s anger was directed at only one
very specific target. The rage was the result of a specific childhood relationship
and was triggered by his
relationships with is wife. The way forward for both Leanne and
Mark was to change the basis of their relationship.
Leanne and Mark had to stop reacting to each other as stand-ins
for people in the past. They had to forge a new relationship
as two unique individuals who really
wanted to be with each other.
To start I asked Leanne to make a list of all the ways she felt Mark was like her
father. At the same time Bob got Mark to make a list of all the things
that Leanne did that reminded him of his mother. Once they started thinking
about it, both were stunned by the “uncanny” resemblance
of their partners to their parents. The next stage was to get
each of them to consciously try to alter their
behaviors in ways which enabled them to “change roles.”
Leanne soon realized that she had a right not to put up with anger
and to leave the room, or even the house, when the rages began.
If Mark started throwing
things again she had not only the right, but the duty to herself,
to leave the marriage.
She learned to set a clear boundary and back it up with a real
consequence.
Leanne was prone to criticism--as was Mark’s
mother--often in ways she wasn’t even aware of. Often
this criticism was the trigger which tipped Mark into rage.
Mark was told to identify, or “call,” this criticism
every time he perceived it. Leanne could then explain. Often
she really had not said the critical words he had heard. At
other times, she had not meant to be
disparaging. If she had been critical, she agreed to admit
it and apologize.
Mark had to learn ways to counteract his
anger. Not to internalize it, not to
suppress it, but to allow it in ways that didn’t affect
the relationship. For example when he realized that the real
object of his anger was his mother
he found that he could talk about that with Leanne and even get
angry at his parent without it hurting the marriage.
I’m pleased to say that they are still together and Mark no longer
flies into rages. They have, at last, a real relationship.
Most anger is not as severe as Mark’s. Obviously, if you are the victim
of violence or frightening behavior, seek protection and
professional help immediately. Ditto if it’s your own anger or behavior
that frightens you or harms others.
The solution to most anger, however, usually lies in these
same steps. Note who you get angry at. Think about who
that person reminds you of from childhood,
and what they do that "triggers" the anger.
Tell them what you need them to do or refrain from doing
to trigger the anger. Be specific, very specific.
Tell them the consequence if they don’t stop the
behavior, whether it be that they take you out to dinner
or that you leave the relationship. Make sure
you choose a consequence that you can and will carry out,
and do so.
The same holds true if you are at the receiving
end of someone’s anger.
Tell the angry person concretely what they can and can’t
do if they are angry around you. Do you need them not to
yell, or to explain what is making
them angry and let you know if it isn’t you? Do certain
gestures frighten you? Is there a certain tone of voice
that is not acceptable to you? Thinking
of who they remind you of may help you to come up with
useful needs. For example, if mother stopped speaking to
you when she was angry, you may need the person
not to hold long silences.
In this way you can honor your
own feelings, and theirs, and still be happy in relationships.
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About the Author
Alicia Fortinberry is an award-winning health writer, and expert on emotional health and optimal relationships. Together with her husband and long-term collaborator Dr Bob Murray, she is founder of the highly successful Uplift Program, and author of Raising an Optimistic Child (McGraw-Hill, 2006) and Creating Optimism (McGraw-Hill, 2004).
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